This Pervasive Feeling of Isolation

it is early morning, and the Saturday night festivities have ended. i went to see Woodrage and The Green Lung Grinders play. they were both very talented, and I enjoyed the music. But I did experience an intense feeling of isolation while at the show that I have not experienced in some time. This was not on part of the crowd, of course, but because of my own head.

I have lived with dissociation for what seems is my entire life. it is a strange feeling of unreality that in turn makes you feel lonely and isolated, like a sad Hanged Man, suspended in time and dazed as the world moves around you. It is a harmful state for the human spirit to experience without the necessary knowledge to understand it.

Dissociation is a nasty trick of the brain, and I must remind myself of this incessantly. It is not them, it is you and your own damn head.

Malfunction

it is strange to lose some of your cognitive brain function. i imagine this happens progressively as you age, but i am speaking of brain function loss due to brain trauma. the schizoaffective brain is already cognitively impaired. but i have been on so many different psychiatric medications these past ten years not even the doctors believed my medical file. i am no longer certain whether my memory loss for example is caused by some kind of brain damage due to overdosage or if this is simply the way my 36 year old schizoaffective brain works now that i have found stability with less medication. that is an important distinction to make, but it may be impossible now.

difficulties learning new things also seems to be a problem for me. they say you cannot teach an old dog new tricks. maybe that is the case. but something tells me this level of cognitive impairment is strange at middle age.

the body is a nightmare house, falling ill and decrepit in under 100 years. it is a living, breathing house, with death buried in its basement.